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Jun. 30th, 2009 @ 08:57 am XKCD comics
BOYFRIEND

COVER UP

FERMIROTICA

CENTRIFUGAL FORCE


(Hat tip: Reason.com's blog, and its commenters)
About this Entry
army hat
Jun. 19th, 2009 @ 01:08 pm I just applied to be an editorial cartoonist for Reason Magazine Online.
About this Entry
Congressman Paul
Jun. 13th, 2009 @ 09:43 pm There's a good chance I'm crazy friends, but I've lost my fear of doom.
What Jesus Said
Into Your Heart Last Night



"Wouldn't you agree
that it is not to be imagined
that a world, like ours,
like this one,
which contains,
God bless it,
birth,
could ever really entertain
a death
that wasn't fake?"




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Jun. 12th, 2009 @ 03:01 pm Amen.
The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Peter Schiff
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show
Full Episodes
Political HumorNewt Gingrich Unedited Interview
About this Entry
Congressman Paul
May. 28th, 2009 @ 01:46 pm Oo-blee-ay: a dungeon that only opens from the ceiling.
Love & Objectivity


"When you said that my mind glows
like beautiful tits,
you weren't being very objective,"
she said. I agreed saying,
"Not only doesn't love pay rent,
but you and I are antonyms."

When I met her she was dating
everybody, and I had recently fallen
into a well.
The last encounter, of that era,
as I remember, was just
my sensation of raw rice grazing
my face, having fallen through
the hole in my oubliette.

I assumed she was getting married.

The next time I met her,
I had been elected the president of
The Hair Club For Men,
and she was in the middle
of a lengthy and bittersweet car accident.
We shook hands, were brief but professional,
and boarded our separate airplanes.

Nearby a crowd of onlookers were paralyzed
by a cold front of dramatic irony.

The next time that I meet her,
I'd like myself to be
in the ocean, dying,
and I'd like her to appear in a houseboat,
her wedding dress wrapped around
ballast bricks.
I'd like her to throw me something that floats,
and I'd like her to say,
(while collapsing her telescope)
"Love and objectivity:
[teardrop] those are also
antonyms."




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
May. 20th, 2009 @ 10:18 am ManBearPig leaves no one alive. I'm super cereal! And nobody'll listen to me. I'm cereal!
Onlookers,

The whole Tipler piece (from which I quoted in my previous blog) turns out to be excellent, of course. Here is another passage.



"...(7) I agree with Dick Lindzen that the AGW nonsense is generated by government funding of science. If a guy agrees with AGW, then he can get a government contract. If he is a skeptic, then no contract. There is a professor at Tulane, with a Ph.D in paleoclimatology, who is as skeptical as I am about AGW, but he'd never be considered for tenure at Tulane because of his professional opinion. No government contracts, no tenure.

(8) This is why I am astounded that people who should know better, like Newt Gingrich, advocate increased government funding for scientific research. We had better science, and a more rapid advance of science, in the early part of the 20th century when there was no centralized government funding for science. Einstein discovered relativity on his own time, while he was employed as a patent clerk. Where are the Einsteins of today? They would never be able to get a university job --- Einstein's idea that time duration depended on the observer was very much opposed to the "consensus" view of the time. Einstein's idea that light was composed of particles (now called "photons") was also considered crazy by all physicists when he first published the idea. At least then he could publish the idea. Now a refereed journal would never even consider a paper written by a patent clerk, and all 1905 physics referees would agree that relativity and quantum mechanics were nonsense, definitely against the overwhelming consensus view. So journals would reject Einstein's papers if he were to write them today.

Science is an economic good like everything else, and it is very bad for production of high quality goods for the government to control the means of production. Why can't Newt Gingrich understand this? Milton Friedman understood it, and advocated cutting off government funding for science."

--Professor Frank Tipler
About this Entry
Professor Frank J. Tipler
May. 20th, 2009 @ 09:15 am Tipler Weighs In On ManBearPig
Readership,

My favorite writer who has ever lived is Frank Jennings Tipler the 3rd. He is a Professor of Mathematical Physics and Astrophysics at Tulane University in New Orleans.



I just came across a quote ascribed to him on the Interwebs, about Man-Made Global Warming. He agrees with me! We must be a couple of really smart guys.

(Parenthetically, if you want to have your mind blown, then you ought to read The Physics of Immortality by Professor Frank J. Tipler. It pretty much solves everything. But it's not about Global Warming; it's about "Modern Cosmology, God, and the Resurrection of the Dead".)

Here's the Global Warming quote.



"Anthropogenic Global Warming (AGW) is a scam, with no basis in science...
It is obvious that anthropogenic global warming is not science at all, because a scientific theory makes non-obvious predictions which are then compared with observations that the average person can check for himself. As we both know from our own observations, AGW theory has spectacularly failed to do this.

The theory has predicted steadily increasing global temperatures, and this has been refuted by experience. NOW the global warmers claim that the Earth will enter a cooling period. In other words, whether the ice caps melt, or expand-- whatever happens --the AGW theorists claim it confirms their theory. A perfect example of a pseudo-science like astrology."

--Frank Tipler

[Edit: I found the source.]
About this Entry
Professor Frank J. Tipler
May. 14th, 2009 @ 10:37 am So, Will They Give Him Libby? The Tension Is Palpable!
Friends!

When the Poet Nick Moore isn't napping at work, he is usually lying in bed, in an terrified miscarriage of sleeping. But sometimes he pulls it together enough to yank the adult pacifier he calls a bottle of whiskey out of his mouth long enough to write a play. At which point God thunders down at him from the clouds, "Was that so fucking hard? You know, I gave you sentience to get some work done!"

What I'm saying is, go see his play at the Bloomington Playwrights Project! It'll be on this Friday, then the following Thursday, and then the weekend after that on Saturday, always at 8pm.

It's all a part of The 2009 BloomingPlays Festival, a celebration of original new plays, all written by playwrights from this, our great state of Indiana.

For the next three weekends (including Thursdays) it'll be going on. There are also plays that Nick Moore didn't write, if you're the kind of sick bastard who's into that sort of thing. (Here's a helpful, interactive calendar.)

Run, don't walk, to:

The Bloomington Playwrights Project
(107 W. 9th,
between College and Walnut on 9th,
you know, by the liquor store,
you reprobate.)

For:

The 2009 BloomingPlays Festival
(May 14 - 30, 2009)

The show Nick's play is in:
Read more... )
About this Entry
army hat
May. 12th, 2009 @ 11:39 am The Libertarian Strategists
Readers,

A link over at Reason Magazine referred us, here at the Size Matters Editorial Staff, to a blog called "The Democratic Strategist". In an attempt to describe the core beliefs of those wacky and crazy Tea Partiers, said strategist ends up giving a pretty damn on-the-money comparison of "pre-Keynesian" views, and Keynesian views.

However, since the "Democratic Strategist" is, well, a Big-D Democrat, he describes the sensible and correct "pre-Keynesian" economics in a sarcastic tone, while describing the Keynesian shit with a straight face, as if it isn't in fact the ramblings of a nutjob (which it is: an English nutjob named Keynes).

What follows is the Democratic Strategists comparison, with comments from the Size Matters Editorial Staff (in brackets).
Read more... )
About this Entry
Congressman Paul
May. 11th, 2009 @ 09:57 am No Big Deal; Just Hangin' With The Bammer
E-friends, and especially Jilliann,

Maria Bamford was at Ye Olde Funny Bone is Bloomington, Indiana, this last weekend! I got a chance to do some of my jokes for her, as she graciously requested to have a meeting with local stand-ups, earlier on Saturday evening at the Funny Bone, and hear some of our stuff.

She was very cool. She talked about the importance of doing it all the time to get good, and that we should put on our own shows, to afford the comic community more chances for stage time.

I saw her Saturday late show, which was genius, of course. And Brother Ben did 5-minutes at the top of her show! He was funny too.

Here is Comedy's my-twin-brother Ben, with Comedy's The Bammer, at the Funny Bone in Bloomington.



The last thing I remember Maria Bamford saying to Ben and me was, "Well, I'll probably see you around Show Business. You guys are funny."

So there. I've been indorsed. If you have a problem with me, take it up with the Bammer!


--The Poet Nick Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Apr. 2nd, 2009 @ 11:37 am You Know Death Is Naked Under His Burqa
Last Words


"I have
grave reservations,"
said the man
among the patients.

"Okay, then,"
said the overseer,
"We'll send a hearse
to meet you."




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Apr. 1st, 2009 @ 11:14 am "All That Bullshit's True, You Know."
The Inevitable Hotness Of Modesty


The stripper came out
hot and hanged-out
wiggling her toes.

The waitress who
brought me my booze
was very fully clothed.

The stripper’s breasts
they smelled of sweat
and perfume, but were tasteless.

All I could do
was picture nude
our average-looking waitress.




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Mar. 31st, 2009 @ 12:37 pm That Guy's Really Got Some Dyson Spheres.
Readers,

The New York Times did a story last week on Freeman Dyson.

We, at the Size Matters Editorial Staff, haven't ever read Dyson directly, but we like him. Firstly, he has a badass name. We also like that he writes about the future. Thirdly, we like that he is a brilliant physicist, but also a practising Christian. Finally, and this is what the New York Times article is about, we like him for being opposed to all of this Climate Change nonsense.

(Parenthetically, the fact that a Keynesian shithead like Paul Krugman would get a Nobel Prize should conclusively prove to everyone that they are now giving those things away to award stupidity. Which, in turn, proves, if any more proof were needed, that Al Gore's stupidity is both exceptional and award-worthy.)

From (the end of) the article:
Read more... )
About this Entry
Professor Frank J. Tipler
Mar. 26th, 2009 @ 07:52 pm Dear Diary, You Smug Bastard...
Some Prayers Are Like Bullets
Shot Straight Up In The Air



I prayed to God, "Send
me a date.
I don't even want to have to ask her."

God said, "My Son, you're bound
to participate
in an educational disaster."




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Mar. 16th, 2009 @ 04:05 am Crap In One Hand, And Rhapsodize In The Other...
Tags:
A Damsel-In-Distress Clause

“What we need is a radical form of patience.”

--William Greider



Give me a girl with a hip anti-style.
Give her hair as black as a virginless night,
or as blond as the sun for a pool-side while,
or as red as the insides of furious eyes.

Or better still, Fate, let me find her winking
in the sultry depot of closing time.
Her eyes will be conquistadors drinking.
She’ll have a brave time-traveler’s mind.

Maybe I’ll find her and not even know it,
as I scour forlornly some sleeping lawn.
The first thing she’ll say will be, “Aren’t you’re a poet?”
as our feet fall famously, hunting the dawn.

I’ll say she’s the woman my blankets need touching.
I’ll ask her what took her so long to appear.
“Was there a kidnapping or something?
I mean, it’s been twenty-three years…”

Then let us engage in ageless kissing
in undiscovered Indiana places.
Let foreign pillows embrace our faces.
Let’s wander the graveyards of Europe listening.

Let us lie, lover, in bed for years,
in Heaven in a library between shelves.
Let’s let our pink pieces cavort like elves,
and our organs cry their slimy tears.

I’d hitchhike and jump a train for your cause.
All my plans have a damsel-in-distress clause.

But, lover, please, let’s do it soon.
You’ve already missed so much of my youth.




Nicholas Moore (2003)
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Mar. 6th, 2009 @ 10:20 am Because you are whatever the fuck you are, doesn't mean you are whatever the fuck you think you are.
Readers,
(We know you're out there, we can hear you sleeping.)


We at the Size Matters Editorial Staff remember a reoccurring bit of cognitive dissonance that we used to experience back when we considered ourselves Socialists.

We would read our Noam Chomsky, (probably purchased at Borders, or some other marvel of the free market), and we would feel our hatred toward Wal-Mart, (probably while actively shopping there, because, hey, that shit is cheap), and all was well and good.

(Parenthetically, Noam Chomsky's main topic is the violence of US foreign policy. On this, he is correct. But there's always, hanging in the background, hints about him being a "Libertarian Socialist" or a "Socialist Anarchist". Chomsky never devotes any ink to systematically defending Libertarian Socialism, which is convenient for him, because it's a dumb and incoherent idea. "Libertarian Socialists" ought to call themselves, "Big-Government Anarchists".)
Read more... )
About this Entry
Congressman Paul
Mar. 2nd, 2009 @ 10:38 am I'd Like A Large Heart, Covered And Smothered
Tags:
The Denny’s Not Taken


TWO Denny’s stood astride our town,
and being just one vanload full
of teenage still-drunk-in-the-morningers,
(like a piñata, if its candy smelled of vomit,
hunger, vodka, and hope)
we could not got to both—
I mean both Denny’s.

The north-side Denny’s was a cave,
as green as moss and smoggy
from the fireflies that danced
upon the haze
above the bacon.
There was a metaphysical dimness in the bathroom,
like there’d been a murder.
On every plate was another buttered corpse,
and then, there was always a tuft of parsley,
like an apology made out of plastic.

The south-side Denny’s was the same,
but we were more used to it.
There, in the waiting room & kitchen of life,
a 42-year-old grandmother
would set a plate of sausage links
between me, and a girl glowing goldenly.
But, because love was then a distant chimera
to my wounded teenage heart,
it all just felt like waiting
with syrup and butter
and dreams of removing my underwear.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two Denny’s stood astride our town,
and we, we chose the one we knew we liked.



I forget what happened




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Feb. 17th, 2009 @ 10:51 am My Late Entry For A Valentine's Day Poem
Tags:
My Hots For You


Your eyes are emerald cheerios,
your nose and cheeks are statuesque.
It's plain I've got the hots for you,
just like the dump has got a mess.

The hots I've got
are stretched and flushed.
The whole Dutch demimonde would blush.
If love's a sea,
my hots are rocks.
You've never seen these hots I've got.

My hots for you could drive a bus,
into the barroom ballroom black,
your hair describes with spears and knots.
It's clear from here: I've got the hots.

These hots I've got are not cold hots!
They spank and tickle, like your wit.
Just like your charm is full of plot,
so too my gaze at you's got hots.

These hots I've got are low-down hots,
tits to pavement, off they crawl
to face your window lapping lamplight.
Bud, these hots are primed to brawl.

I pray to Satan, to send you hots
to match these hot that I have got.
If all the poor burnt souls in Hell had
the hots I've got then they'd be glad.
But they'd still scream and scratch and bleed.
But they'd be in ecstasy.

If you had hots and tossed in bed,
then we could toss together,
and dampen cloth,
and steam up glass,
whisper hots,
and give hot shouts.
And we could sweat these damn hots out.




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Feb. 13th, 2009 @ 04:39 am The Night: She's Got A Lot Of Ball
Tags:
Hanging With Mister Hooper


The moon is
the curious
clitoris of spacetime.

The moon is
an elephant sleeping
on fire under water.

The moon is
an uprooted stop sign
made of ivory

visiting from the movies.




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore
Jan. 30th, 2009 @ 11:42 am "Elegy"? Oh... I Thought You Said "Ali G."
Tags:
Safety Last


I'm thinking of death as
a pressure valve.
The valve is the human body
and the pressure is the soul.

Also, I'm thinking of death as
a dance floor made of ice. Beneath
the ice is math and void.

But down there maybe there's a city.
I want to say about faith
and hope, that faith is hope
minus suspense.

But once you've fallen under there
there may be someone there to ask
"How is it that you got here?

And you can say,
"My dancing broke the floor.
My dance was what
it was."




Nicholas Moore
About this Entry
The Poet Nicholas Moore